Holiday Roundup!

Happy New Year, beloved readers! And by beloved readers I mean our moms.

Speaking of moms, once again Amy’s mom helped me out with with a lovely new piece of Christmas decor that shall be liberated from the confines of my home shortly. Oh yes, this little reindeer will be set free to live in a Goodwill of the greater Washington area any day now. Quite possibly in the next few hours. I hope he finds a new home for the 2014 holiday season.

Meanwhile, at Goldfinger’s annual Christmas soiree, Mr. Bond was about to die.

 

While I have to admit this isn’t nearly as, um, unique as the “tree” I received last year, there is something odd about celebrating Christmas with the Arctic Circle version of the golden calf from The Ten Commandments.

Actually, this really isn’t that bad as a seasonal decoration. After all Christmas decor comes in a few different varieties, and “Glitzy” is one of them. The only really odd choices are the very low quality fake flowers and the incongruous addition of the country kitsch snowman head, which falls into the “Country Christmas” decor category. There is also an unfortunate antler injury that should be glued/taped back together.

These things could be rectified very easily by someone who gave a crap. I am not that person.

 

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A Not So Pretty Pair

These beautiful pictures speak to me, they say you are a honky white person stuck in the 1960’s.  The embroidery is impressive, but what I really like are the random carpet extras that were incorporated into the headdress of the Indian chief.  However, I also appreciate the cotton batting on both pictures. If I were to ever get a nosebleed, I would have plenty of batting to stuff my nose with.

But, the truth is, my favorite part of the entire gift is the trash bag the pictures came in.  I will certainly get more use out of it than I will this ugly pictures.  My neighborhood is having a neighborhood wide yard sale this weekend, while I am too embarrassed to sell these, I will put them out for free.  Maybe I will hook up a webcam and see what wackjob picks up these ugly pictures.

My favorite part of the git.

My favorite part of the gift.

Attack of the Big Headed Girls Part III – Polly, the White Trash Hillbilly Cousin

“Please buy my sunflowers so that I can afford to eat something other than the potentially poisonous mushroom behind me.”

The Crystal Gayle inspired braid practically begs for a shampoo.

 

 

They just keep coming! Three! There are three of these big headed girls in my closet now. I’m afraid that having all three of them together will open up some sort of hell dimension ruled Bratz dolls.

Polly gives us a chance to analyze hillbilly stereotypes.  The most disturbing thing about Polly, other than her very existence, is her braid. Her extra-long locks play into hillbilly stereotypes nicely, implying that she may belong a fundamentalist religion that does not allow women to cut their hair. She is also peddling flowers on the road, unlike her cousins Molly (who lives in a comfortable house in town) and Dolly (who, while slutty, is clearly of the more genteel variety of country folk). She is however the only big headed girl shown outside the home, so perhaps she is a feminist attempting to support herself through entrepreneurial  flower sales.

Oh big headed girls, your possibilities are endless. You expand the mind.

Mostly, however, you prove the extent to which your own minds have already expanded. Which is the second reason that braid is so important. Molly and Dolly have all their hair under their bonnets, so it is possible that they have normal sized heads and that their uncut hair is piled up under the bonnet making it appear enormous to the point neurological concern. Polly’s braid is not contained… yet her bonnet is still huge… you can do the math.

Yep, they are inbred ginormous brained country gals. Run for your lives!!

The Unholy Trinity of Molly, Polly, and Dolly. I have contained them in my closet to prevent the havoc they will thrust upon the world. You’re welcome.

Craft-tastrophe – Holiday Edition!

Why donate boxes of pasta to your local food pantry when you can make this instead?

This stunning Christmas tree really stands out from the crowd in its combination of innovation and desperation.

While hideous, it is still impressive that someone was able to look at their pantry and their junk drawer and think to themselves, “If only I had a red cardboard megaphone from last night’s high school football game… then I could make a Christmas tree!”  After mugging a cheerleader and taking her megaphone, just for giggles they mounted it onto a base of… honestly, I have no idea what that white base is – a bowl?  Glass lampshade?

Seriously, look at this again:

Tree Details

There are more types of pasta on this tree than on the Olive Garden menu.

There are eleven types of pasta visible here.  There’s at least three more on the tree, but if you really are using this as a way to learn the shapes of pasta, I think you are on the wrong blog. There’s also a number of golf tees, buttons, bows, stickers, earrings, beads, a cinnamon stick, and images cut out of photos and cards.

Yes, images cut out of other sources.  So not only did this crafter make a Christmas tree out of everything available in a hoarder’s pantry, but then proceeded to decorate this thing with snowman cutouts.

This is where the desperation comes in. After all of this work (yes, work – just because it’s awful doesn’t mean it was easy to put together) the crafter went ahead and scotch taped the snowmen onto it.

Like there was a pressing deadline on this thing. Like Santa wasn’t going to stop at the house if this wasn’t next to the fireplace.

Or maybe the pasta was in lieu of cookies.

Meet Dolly, Molly Mobbie’s Tarted Up Country Cousin

Oh Molly Mobbie, just when I thought you were the most wonderfully kitsch thing I’d ever receive, Amy had to go and give me your cousin. Your country cousin with precisely applied jet black eyeliner and bright red lipstick, giving her a certain smutty adorableness. Unlike Molly, who is hiding her enormous head under a bonnet with a very trendy bow, Dolly has a simple polka-dotted ribbon adornment that matches her apron. While both Molly and Dolly have gigantic noggins and feline companionship, Molly – being the citified cousin – gazes appreciatively/psychotically at the grandfather clock in (presumably) the parlor of her townhome in the state capitol. Dolly is stuck spinning yarn on some barely settled prairie.

Luckily for Dolly, she was painted by a different Holly-hobbyist.  How do I know, aside from the obvious difference in quality? Once again, this creation was signed by the crafter. A crafter who had the ingenuity to add details using felt-tip pens. Dolly is actually very well executed artistically – she’s just still really, really tacky.

Were ‘paint your own’ Holly Hobbie knock-off kits a bit of a trend in the 1970s? Can a reader answer this? And by ‘reader’ I mean ‘one of our moms.’  How else can I explain that there are two big-headed girls currently residing in my closet?  And now that this is a potential trend in the ugly gifting world I have to keep them both for a few months just in case I have the opportunity to do a formal family photo later.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, It’s the Real Doomsday Clock

Such unnaturally blond hair, and WIDE eyes.

Such attention to detail, every flower in the basket behind her is painted.

The clock works. It keeps perfect time. But, this lovely little gift that I received for my birthday is about a year older than me. Conveniently the artist included the date in her signature. Yes, this piece of crap is signed. I’m sure in the mid-seventies this Holly Hobbie knock-off was the most awesome thing in some little girl’s room. The purple dress and bonnet even have a subtle sheen.

But what really creeps me out is the wide-eyed stare of Molly Mobbie. I keep expecting this ceramic resident of the village of the damned to solve a puzzle box and grow up overnight.

Needless to say she resides in my closet… until she can be set free at my local Goodwill. Then she can go live in another damned village.

Happy Easter! I hope the bunny brought you band-aids.

Egg-themed decor is no longer the exclusive domain of long-dead Russian czars.

The crafter really shouldn’t have stopped at just breaking this into two pieces.

Easter is supposed to be one of the classy holidays. You wear your Easter bonnet. Spring has sprung and everyone wants to celebrate outside. There are adorable bunnies, and cute baskets, and beautiful hand-dyed Easter eggs.

And then there’s this.

Not content to simply be bit tacky and poorly crafted, this egg is actually sharp on the unfinished edges. I can practically hear a mean old lady yelling at her grandkids at Easter lunch, “C’mon over here and grab some of this thirty-year-old ribbon candy out of the egg dish! Hey, hey stop bleeding on my plastic-covered couch!”

let the ugly gifting begin

While we have shared many gifts over the years, we can now look forward to sharing these “beautiful” gifts with the world.  I hope you “love” these gifts as much as we do.

what a “lovely” vase

A note from the giver: So. Very. Shiny!!!

I love how the lampshade is slightly off kilter, plus who wouldn’t want a beaded lamp

A note from the gift giver: What immediately attracted me to this find, from a Goodwill store in Alexandria, VA was that it was obvious that someone painstakingly beaded this entire thing, only to realize they screwed up the shade. Oh, and that the lamp is hideous. After all the effort to design and craft this, they were left with this monstrosity that can only take a chandelier bulb. So not only is it ugly, it is barely functional.