“Squawk! Polly wants a human sacrifice!”
I think the flamingo would have been perfect for Amy’s birthday. And the rooster would have been the perfect gift to celebrate the birth of her son last month. But, alas, I could not afford to spend $210 ($80 for the flamingo, $130 for the rooster in case you were wondering) plus whatever it would cost to ship these exceptional pieces of artwork to her home.
Please note that the artist clearly went with not just a whimsical color palette for the rooster, but also had a ‘more is more’ approach to size. The terrifyingly large birds are to scale, but the rooster stands about five feet tall. The flamingo would top that if not posed with the neck down.
Happy New Year, beloved readers! And by beloved readers I mean our moms.
Speaking of moms, once again Amy’s mom helped me out with with a lovely new piece of Christmas decor that shall be liberated from the confines of my home shortly. Oh yes, this little reindeer will be set free to live in a Goodwill of the greater Washington area any day now. Quite possibly in the next few hours. I hope he finds a new home for the 2014 holiday season.
Meanwhile, at Goldfinger’s annual Christmas soiree, Mr. Bond was about to die.
While I have to admit this isn’t nearly as, um, unique as the “tree” I received last year, there is something odd about celebrating Christmas with the Arctic Circle version of the golden calf from The Ten Commandments.
Actually, this really isn’t that bad as a seasonal decoration. After all Christmas decor comes in a few different varieties, and “Glitzy” is one of them. The only really odd choices are the very low quality fake flowers and the incongruous addition of the country kitsch snowman head, which falls into the “Country Christmas” decor category. There is also an unfortunate antler injury that should be glued/taped back together.
These things could be rectified very easily by someone who gave a crap. I am not that person.
Double your pleasure, double your fun with… two identical embroidered birds on your purse.
This was most likely designed by a young fashionista – and by young I mean eleven or younger – who had not yet read that memo women get about trying one trend at a time. This budding young designer opted for:
- ‘ethnic’ style emroidery
- and pom poms on the zipper pull
I have no idea how she didn’t figure out how to work in a few sequins. I suppose then that would limit your options for using this bag. Sequins just scream out evening, and clearly this is daytime clutch. I like to assume that if it was meant for evening she would of embroidered some owls on there.
But as it stands this pocketbook was embroidered with some sort of mythical bird. Which means this might be the perfect solution to carrying your things while wearing a pair of pocketless unicorn pants.
Oh wait, no that horn is on your pocket. Or would be, if these pants had pockets. Which they don’t because you wouldn’t want to break up the design and, you know, ruin the look.
If you run sideways it looks like the lower half of you is majestically striding along the sidewalk. Or that you’re every bit as high as you were when you thought, “Hey unicorn pants! Those go with everything!!”
Amazingly, these pants were only $32, so I came very close to purchasing them. But then I thought someone might see me buying these unicorn pants, which made me laugh out loud in the store so I had to leave in a hurry. But, if I change my mind I’m willing to bet that at least one of the three pairs of unicorn pants are still there.
Please note that the author/sweater girl, much to her dismay, is not Goth Dolly Parton.
Finally, an answer to the question “What would Dolly Parton wear if she went Goth?”
This sweater is not just a head-scratching combination of country music bling and teenage gothy rebellion, this thing is a whole body scratching combination of many different dead animals. Or an incredible example of letting no scrap of pelt – or rhinestone – go to waste.
How many animals were harmed in this production? (Vegans, now might be a good time to look away.)
The care on the reverse reads as follows: Place in bag and give to Goodwill.
- I turn my bill up at you peon!
Imagine my surprise when I returned home from an errand to see a package on my porch. It was mid-November, not yet the holiday season. It wasn’t my birthday, my son’s or husband’s birthday, or my anniversary. What glorious gift could be within this brown box?
Then I saw the return address. Chad – Amy’s brother. Uh-oh.
Apparently Chad wants in on the action, and went so far as to quadruple the value of this ugly duckling by paying to mail it to me. But alas, no amount of priority shipping will turn this ugly ducker into a swan.
Sadly I will not be able to take Chad’s suggestion of using this to create a ‘classy centerpiece’ for my Thanksgiving dinner. This year I will be a guest instead of a hostess for the holiday, so who knows who will receive this quacktastrophe next…
This odd little clown is a thank you gift for Molly Mobbie. The clown appears to be sitting on top of some sort of table that is perched atop of some small animal. No matter what I do I cannot get a clear pic of this clown, this leads me to believe the clown is possessed. Also, the clown’s eyes freak me out. This thing is just weird looking. Who in their right mind thought this was going to be a big seller? It looks like the clown is crushing a small animal. FREAKY!
Note from the gifter: Amy I am so sorry. It was clearly a bad idea to get anything commemorating an evil clown sacrificing a small animal via table crushing. You should donate (okay, burn) this immediately. My luck has turned for the better since this evil clown left my home. I do not think that is a coincidence. I’m pretty sure this was originally sold by Jack Marshak.
On a recent visit to Brig we received this lovely item, a wedding gift for the newlyweds. Nothing says save your money like a pink iridescent monkey bank. I think I might have to put money in it just so I can smash it to get the money back out. I especially love the tiny monkey, you can’t tell from the pics, but it has clearly broken off and been glued back on. Someone cared enough about this ugly ass monkey to glue it back together, wtf.
No longer content to merely spend their evenings playing poker and drinking out of the toilet, these four dogs have formed a militia hellbent on taking over the world.
Eagle-eyed as I am, I am always on the look out for terrible pieces of crap to give to Amy. But sometimes tacky just walks up and smacks you.
I’m usually prepared for these moments. In fact, I seek these moments out. If the thrift store has a section of ‘knick knacks’ I am going to sort through that pile of ugly. I will try to find ugly housewares. My real weakness in this game is my unwillingness to sift through bad art. There’s just too many generic photos of the Eiffel Tower to sort through. And I’d feel bad if something that I bought as bad art turned out to be some kid’s 8th grade collage that he needed to complete in order to graduate from junior high.
But then there was this. I was buying a bookshelf in a real furniture store when I spied these four paintings in a living room vignette. These were for sale. And they were over $150. A piece. I’m talking a $600 price tag for four paintings. Of dogs… in British-inspired fancy-dress/military uniforms. WTF.
I repeat, WTF.
Nothing says ‘God save the Queen’ quite like a schnauzer dressed to kill. Literally.
What are you looking at? No seriously, which eye is the good one?
I think the most interesting thing about this mass produced ceramic goat is that it was mass produced. This implies a market for this item. Which means that somewhere along the line in America, a whole lot of people looked around their homes and said to themselves, “You know what would really perk this place up? A goat statue!”
Not content to simply get any old ceramic livestock, the purchasers of this cross-eyed, cloven-hoofed beauty could have also used this as a self-defense item. This is one pointy statue, and the horns are perfectly spaced to take out both eyes simultaneously. Most animal figurines tend to be cute and smiling. With its combination of pointy horns and evil smirk, this one seems to play up the popular culture associations between goats and devil-worship.