Why use a stork when you can use these?!

Night of the Aves - coming to a home decor store near you!

“Squawk! Polly wants a human sacrifice!”

I think the flamingo would have been perfect for Amy’s birthday. And the rooster would have been the perfect gift to celebrate the birth of her son last month.  But, alas, I could not afford to spend $210 ($80 for the flamingo, $130 for the rooster in case you were wondering) plus whatever it would cost to ship these exceptional pieces of artwork to her home.

Please note that the artist clearly went with not just a whimsical color palette for the rooster, but also had a ‘more is more’ approach to size. The terrifyingly large birds are to scale, but the rooster stands about five feet tall. The flamingo would top that if not posed with the neck down.

 

 

Holiday Roundup!

Happy New Year, beloved readers! And by beloved readers I mean our moms.

Speaking of moms, once again Amy’s mom helped me out with with a lovely new piece of Christmas decor that shall be liberated from the confines of my home shortly. Oh yes, this little reindeer will be set free to live in a Goodwill of the greater Washington area any day now. Quite possibly in the next few hours. I hope he finds a new home for the 2014 holiday season.

Meanwhile, at Goldfinger’s annual Christmas soiree, Mr. Bond was about to die.

 

While I have to admit this isn’t nearly as, um, unique as the “tree” I received last year, there is something odd about celebrating Christmas with the Arctic Circle version of the golden calf from The Ten Commandments.

Actually, this really isn’t that bad as a seasonal decoration. After all Christmas decor comes in a few different varieties, and “Glitzy” is one of them. The only really odd choices are the very low quality fake flowers and the incongruous addition of the country kitsch snowman head, which falls into the “Country Christmas” decor category. There is also an unfortunate antler injury that should be glued/taped back together.

These things could be rectified very easily by someone who gave a crap. I am not that person.

 

Snooki and The Situation in 2038

In what is perhaps a fitting tribute to the Garden State, the guy does look a little like Silent Bob. If you squint. And drank a margarita out of one of those slushie machines on the boardwalk.

In case you were starting to miss summer and feel nostalgic for lazy days in the sand and cute swimsuits, let me remind that fall is awesome. Because when you go to the beach in the summer, you probably see more of the above than you care to admit. If these were fall themed figurines, this delightful couple would probably get to wear sweaters and go apple picking. They might be downright adorable.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wouldn’t buy these figurines.  Let’s not get crazy.

But this does raise the question, “Why does New Jersey insist on mocking itself?” It’s really not that bad. I spent my childhood vacations on the Jersey Shore and have nothing but great memories of playing on the beach and eating ice cream while grandpa made one hell of run at a blackjack table. Okay, maybe that is a little bit stereotypical Jersey.

And I’m not just assigning this couple the role Jersey Beach Bums. Some boardwalk shop went ahead and branded them – cheaply. After stocking their store with non-location specific ceramic beachgoers who make questionable fashion choices, they figured, “What the hell? Let’s claim them as ours.”

Tape your own city here!

So with that as a reminder of the inherent awesomeness of autumn, let’s let summer walk out of our lives until next year.

Fare thee well, whats-your-name and JWoww.

A Not So Pretty Pair

These beautiful pictures speak to me, they say you are a honky white person stuck in the 1960’s.  The embroidery is impressive, but what I really like are the random carpet extras that were incorporated into the headdress of the Indian chief.  However, I also appreciate the cotton batting on both pictures. If I were to ever get a nosebleed, I would have plenty of batting to stuff my nose with.

But, the truth is, my favorite part of the entire gift is the trash bag the pictures came in.  I will certainly get more use out of it than I will this ugly pictures.  My neighborhood is having a neighborhood wide yard sale this weekend, while I am too embarrassed to sell these, I will put them out for free.  Maybe I will hook up a webcam and see what wackjob picks up these ugly pictures.

My favorite part of the git.

My favorite part of the gift.

Just a little clutch to hide away your money, credit cards, lipstick, and fashion sense

Double your pleasure, double your fun with… two identical embroidered birds on your purse.

This was most likely designed by a young fashionista – and by young I mean eleven or younger – who had not yet read that memo women get about trying one trend at a time. This budding young designer opted for:

  1. fringe
  2. ‘ethnic’ style emroidery
  3. ribbons
  4. and pom poms on the zipper pull

I have no idea how she didn’t figure out how to work in a few sequins. I suppose then that would limit your options for using this bag. Sequins just scream out evening, and clearly this is daytime clutch. I like to assume that if it was meant for evening she would of embroidered some owls on there.

But as it stands this pocketbook was embroidered with some sort of mythical bird. Which means this might be the perfect solution to carrying your things while wearing a pair of pocketless unicorn pants.

Is that a unicorn horn in your pocket?

Oh wait, no that horn is on your pocket. Or would be, if these pants had pockets. Which they don’t because you wouldn’t want to break up the design and, you know, ruin the look.

If you run sideways it looks like the lower half of you is majestically striding along the sidewalk. Or that you’re every bit as high as you were when you thought, “Hey unicorn pants! Those go with everything!!”

 

Amazingly, these pants were only $32, so I came very close to purchasing them. But then I thought someone might see me buying these unicorn pants, which made me laugh out loud in the store so I had to leave in a hurry. But, if I change my mind I’m willing to bet that at least one of the three pairs of unicorn pants are still there.

Attack of the Big Headed Girls Part III – Polly, the White Trash Hillbilly Cousin

“Please buy my sunflowers so that I can afford to eat something other than the potentially poisonous mushroom behind me.”

The Crystal Gayle inspired braid practically begs for a shampoo.

 

 

They just keep coming! Three! There are three of these big headed girls in my closet now. I’m afraid that having all three of them together will open up some sort of hell dimension ruled Bratz dolls.

Polly gives us a chance to analyze hillbilly stereotypes.  The most disturbing thing about Polly, other than her very existence, is her braid. Her extra-long locks play into hillbilly stereotypes nicely, implying that she may belong a fundamentalist religion that does not allow women to cut their hair. She is also peddling flowers on the road, unlike her cousins Molly (who lives in a comfortable house in town) and Dolly (who, while slutty, is clearly of the more genteel variety of country folk). She is however the only big headed girl shown outside the home, so perhaps she is a feminist attempting to support herself through entrepreneurial  flower sales.

Oh big headed girls, your possibilities are endless. You expand the mind.

Mostly, however, you prove the extent to which your own minds have already expanded. Which is the second reason that braid is so important. Molly and Dolly have all their hair under their bonnets, so it is possible that they have normal sized heads and that their uncut hair is piled up under the bonnet making it appear enormous to the point neurological concern. Polly’s braid is not contained… yet her bonnet is still huge… you can do the math.

Yep, they are inbred ginormous brained country gals. Run for your lives!!

The Unholy Trinity of Molly, Polly, and Dolly. I have contained them in my closet to prevent the havoc they will thrust upon the world. You’re welcome.

Reduce. Reuse. Regurgitate.

Breakfast Club Dolly 2

Please note that the author/sweater girl, much to her dismay, is not Goth Dolly Parton.

Finally, an answer to the question “What would Dolly Parton wear if she went Goth?”

This sweater is not just a head-scratching combination of country music bling and teenage gothy rebellion, this thing is a whole body scratching combination of many different dead animals. Or an incredible example of letting no scrap of pelt – or rhinestone – go to waste.

How many animals were harmed in this production? (Vegans, now might be a good time to look away.)

IMG_6313

The care on the reverse reads as follows: Place in bag and give to Goodwill.

The Mrs. Roper Maternity Collection

Poorly Photoshopped Head

Please note that the author is not really Audra Lindley.

 

No, I am not pregnant in this photo. Oddly, I didn’t want to be photographed in this psychedelic loungewear during my pregnancy, partly out of self-respect and partly out of wanting to protect my unborn child from the polyester fumes. I still didn’t want to be photographed in this, nor does anyone, ever.

Then why do I still own this trippy little number that Amy gave me to celebrate my knocked-up-ed-ness? Theme parties. If someone throws a seventies party I am going, and I am going to be soooooo comfortable while all those other women are in go-go boots and miniskirts.

Craft-tastrophe – Holiday Edition!

Why donate boxes of pasta to your local food pantry when you can make this instead?

This stunning Christmas tree really stands out from the crowd in its combination of innovation and desperation.

While hideous, it is still impressive that someone was able to look at their pantry and their junk drawer and think to themselves, “If only I had a red cardboard megaphone from last night’s high school football game… then I could make a Christmas tree!”  After mugging a cheerleader and taking her megaphone, just for giggles they mounted it onto a base of… honestly, I have no idea what that white base is – a bowl?  Glass lampshade?

Seriously, look at this again:

Tree Details

There are more types of pasta on this tree than on the Olive Garden menu.

There are eleven types of pasta visible here.  There’s at least three more on the tree, but if you really are using this as a way to learn the shapes of pasta, I think you are on the wrong blog. There’s also a number of golf tees, buttons, bows, stickers, earrings, beads, a cinnamon stick, and images cut out of photos and cards.

Yes, images cut out of other sources.  So not only did this crafter make a Christmas tree out of everything available in a hoarder’s pantry, but then proceeded to decorate this thing with snowman cutouts.

This is where the desperation comes in. After all of this work (yes, work – just because it’s awful doesn’t mean it was easy to put together) the crafter went ahead and scotch taped the snowmen onto it.

Like there was a pressing deadline on this thing. Like Santa wasn’t going to stop at the house if this wasn’t next to the fireplace.

Or maybe the pasta was in lieu of cookies.